For My Son

You used to come to my bed
and nestle your warm small body
beside me.
A beloved intruder
into the unique privileged moment
of my reading,
of my mind wandering in search of poetic words

I used to hold you tightly
and feel anything harsh in me
melt down into mild honey
used to hold in turns
your fingers or your toes
wishing that the moment be unending

The words flowing in then
being too mellow
too full of unrestricted love
words of bondage
words out of a silent scream
words too silly, too precious
to ever be useful
in a poem
unless composed by a mother.


Words that now sometimes I say to you
laughingly, loudly, happily
words that turns your beautiful big eyes
skyward!
throwing me and my laughter
outward!

Nowadays no more bed nestling
no more crying for me
no more jealousy
if a bit of my attention
goes to another little kid

nowadays your wish being
faraway from me
letting you
free and fully focused in the adolescent ways
with its splinters of thrills
and no more words come to me
powerful enough
to fulfill my wish
of offering you
written words of apprenticeship
which of course you'll never read
words that right now
rest in that deep place in me
in which I have stacked my books of love
and that I wouldn't let you
see the unbearable side of it

What I want now
is not you nestling beside me
but that rushing beat of life
in your eyes,
the hast to break free
away from my wish of
tucking you in your old safety blanket,
pierce all the mercurial beauty
of being alive and happy
of having your life ahead of you
I want you to keep for ever
your light and flighty ways of now
and later to master
the skills of balancing
that lightness into duress

I know some day you'll lower
your eyes
toward these words
it will be finally my moment
like the old mommy and me days
stolen from school days
so here are the words for that special moment
for I won't be there
to see those bright eyes of yours
hopefully always full of the same flighty lightness
reading words that express
the entire worth of life
just because of having you.
Flora